Young and insecure Vs old, Wise and still learning

When I was young (I was lol) I would worry a lot and work myself up until I made myself ill , sometimes sitting alone with my thoughts created mountains out of mole hills and dragons out of lizards. I was very insecure about myself and how I looked. As a teenager I developed a hairy chest and was (and still am) very conscious about taking my top off (only seen while gardening and on the beach) but due to a re-occurring sweat rash I have to shave my chest and apply cream to clear the rash up! (Problem solved for the next couple of weeks) these are some of the insecurities I have carried through my life but I worry less about them than I did when I was younger. I was a very skinny kid being born in the 70’s when your mam made the tea you either ate it or you starved. I tried everything to put weight on ranging from sending off for the secrets of muscle (So no-one would kick sand in my face). I would drink gallons of milk and even into my early 20’s while working for weider the body building company I would take the next new thing for weight gain mixing milk with powder and try and force it down my neck only for it to sit for a while and then come up faster than it went down making my problem of weight gain even harder (You don’t feel like eating just after you have just threw up). I feel much better about my body now, it took a long time and hard work to figure out what worked for me and not be tempted down the steroid path. Through many years of research, trial and error and a massive fight with my ego not to do too much I have changed my body into the functional shape it is now, I am still a “work in progress” as I say but I am settled and comfortable with how I look (your so vain…..) Speaking of being sick, I would work myself up that much before a driving lesson (Yes lesson) that I would be sick while waiting to go, I know now it was just my adrenalin ‘helping me’, now I love driving and cars I still get adrenalin spikes now (I had my last one driving across the North pennines) only to come out the other side after many miles of avoiding sheep in the road, sheer drops and a daughter that was sick into a bag and us being miles from nowhere. I still get the adrenalin spike when I drive because I don’t want to let anyone down me being an old school dad I have to get my family from A to B quickly and safely. Like most men I can’t take criticism just like when I’m doing DIY, I still struggle to hear constructive advice from my lovely wife. I do have to admit I hate parking and I got stuck turning around after packing the car to leave the lovely little school house we had just spent the weekend at in Middleton–on–Teesdale! Kerry decided to walk me through the steps to get out but instead of ignoring her like my pride normally does, (she has seen it before) I listened to her instructions and got out without difficulty! It pains me to say lol xx If I looked at Kerry giving me advise as a coach would, then I might not take this as criticism I will try my best but as they say baby steps (even when Erin tells me when I go over the speed limit!). As we are on about driving I drive a Wrangler Jeep (1995) that is green with US Army decals on it and my daughters jump into the back and we love driving along singing to 100 country hits or 100 girls night out CD’s singing at the top of our voices it is one of my life highs as well as driving by myself listening to great tunes on the way to work and back making my journey time fly! The other day I got asked to drop off mason who is my two year old great nephew, watching his face as he climbed in the back I put the dukes of hazard theme on (not knowing it is his favorite motorbike clip from YouTube) he sang his heart out tapping his hand and loving every minute of it! He loved it so much as I got out of the jeep he jumped into the front seat and started steering and messing with my gears after telling me to close the door! Sorry I drifted off topic (but did I?) I will never forget his little face light up and the few minutes’ drive to his house brightened up my life! My body has had its unfair share of trauma (see old blogs) as I have said in my last blog (please read) you learn to adapted your body and work around it as you can’t or should not walk on a broken leg as an extreme example. When you look back what you did to your body, what you put your body through you can see why you can’t or should not try to relive your youth. This is a hard bitter pill to swallow for the aging Martial Artist or hard core party animal! These are times I would not change but never be able to recreate One of the best illustrations of this was going to see madness with my sister Sharon (she loved them for the early days!) but this was a comeback tour watching a middle-aged group of people dancing to a group like they did when they all were in their teens and early 20’s (including the band members) Everyone had to sit down between songs and the music had to have a mix of fast and slow tracks just so the band and the crowd could last the night! As they say the mind is willing but the body is weak! You should have seen the state of everyone when we all left it looked like the village of the damned walking home! Life travels on at such a pace with its instant google answers it seems to me that we never enjoy now! Now is never good enough. This leads me to my next blog (yesI’m spoiling you there is more) So carry on reading John Atkin AFC